One Is The Loneliest Number That You'll Ever Do

Some time ago, I vowed to cease sharing my intimate emotions on my blog anymore. It only took one time for some know it all to throw my writings in my face, to assume they knew the full plot because I gave you a scene. To remember it, still utterly annoys me. But I've decided to say a big fuck you, kiss my ass to them and any other judgmental prick that reads my journal. I'm gonna say and do whatever the fuck I want on MY blog, keyword: MY. You don't like it, think it's depressing, well get to x'ing my dear, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!

Every now and again, I seem to slip into this dark closet. No other inhabitants, just myself and my thoughts. This closet engulfs me and I surrender my happiness to it, if only for a short period of time. Here recently, this closet has welcomed me with open arms and I've walked in willingly. While inhabiting this place, I feel like I'm on a journey of one, no companionship, no REAL friends, no one to be emotionally naked with and be neither ashamed nor afraid.

I question the people around me and while my judgment is probably marginally clouded, I begin to also see them for what they are worth. Frankly its not much. Sometimes I feel the people in my life are nothing more than seat fillers, brought together only by the mutual desire to experience new things in a city that is not native to most of us and more importantly to not do it alone. As long as I've lived in Atlanta, I can't pinpoint one person that I'll probably be friends with long after I move back home. Which will probably be soon as I feel I've experienced enough here and it's time to move on, move to where I'm loved for it is surely not here.

I question the man I've been intimate with off and on for 3 years now. Here lately, I feel like he believes he's entitled (or has earned the right) to walk in my house, entertain me in front of the tv for an hour or two before I am to invite him into my bedroom. I've played this game with him all of this year. The amount of outings we've been on in 2009 hmmm I can't even recall but it hasn't been that many in comparison to prior years. Perhaps he's taken up with another party. I really wouldn't be surprised. I've told him how I felt, but it seems to be of no avail. I've even decided to break it off but even that seems to be futile as we've played this off and on game so much, it all seems meaningless. I'm waiting for the God-send, the man that comes along and loves me as I deserve to be loved. And still, I wait. Thankfully I'm not holding my breath, as I would have long perished many moons ago.

One Is The LONELIEST Number.....

And I am ONE.

BABS & Steve McNair

Lawd I think I've heard so many people make negative comments about Steve McNair's death that I'm considering openly admitting to wanting to shoot THEM in the head. If I hear one more damn person say he got what he deserved, I think I'm just gon slap the hell out of them if they are in arm's length (just like the mama did on that Martin Lawrence flick "Nothing to Lose").

Who the fuck gave you authority over life or death? Are you, yourself, that pure in nature and heart that you haven't done anything people would judge negatively? Look at your own demons, work on them because for you to say some fucked up shit like that, means you have plenty of them.

Observation: I've heard more than a fair share of women saying this. He cheated & lied on/to his wife, he deserved what he got. WTF kinda logic is that? If someone DESERVED to get shot twice in both the head & chest for lying and/or cheating, would there be any fucking men alive? Deciding to stand back and read or listen to these women vs. debating, I've noticed a trend. I've coined these females BABs - Bitter Ass Broads!!! They are nothing more than women who've been cheated on, lied to and dogged out (I don't mean to generalize here, surely we know this doesn't apply to all of them). But honey we've all been there but no one deserves to die because they are unfaithful to their spouse. What fuckin planet do you exist on? There are far worse crimes. I'm not belittling the act of adultery but to be comfortable with saying its punishment should be death probably means you have A LOT of baggage from the men in your past.

Bag lady, you gon hurt your back....dragging all them bags like that!!!

I honestly don't see how anyone (male or female) can justify this statement. Was Steve McNair wrong? Hell yeah...he cheated on his wife, he hooked up with a mentally disturbed young girl, he probably made a hundred and one promises to this nut. He was MORALLY wrong, sure....but can you really judge unless you're the one being cheated on.

Did he deserve to get killed over a bad decision...hell no!!! And if you think so, fuck you and maybe you'll die when you make them since you seem to think that's an appropriate punishment. *Woo saaa* I don't wish death on anyone and that's not the point here. He didn't kill anyone, he didn't molest a child...he had an affair, nothing more, nothing less.

Maybe, just maybe you'll stop being an asshole and have sympathy for a wife, 4 kids & the rest of his family that will never see him again because of that bad decision. No other commentary needed from you or I.

Peace

Final Goodbye

Gone too soon!!!

It's just something about knowing that Michael Jackson is no longer with us. I can't really explain it. On any ordinary day, who thinks about a celebrity. I surely do not, not even R. Kelly and if you know me, you know I love me some Kells. But I think this MJ thing has touched my heart more than I'd like to admit. I've shed a few tears, just knowing he's gone and especially after seeing Paris say her few words. How can the pain of a child not affect you?

Sharpton said some good words. Of course something that stands out, saying that there was nothing strange about MJ, it was strange what he had to deal with. I agree and disagree. As much as I love MJ, he was "strange" to us. I think he was strange because of what he had to deal with in life. I'm sure he was a much different person around people he was comfortable around, especially being so shy. I can't judge the life he lived, the way the media and papparazzi hound people, I don't really see how they could be considered "normal" after dealing with that shit everyday.

I probably wouldn't have thought about MJ for the remainder of the year but we knew he was somewhere living, planning, hopefully recording a record and channeling the MJ we all came to love. Now I know it's not even possible, won't ever happen...it's something about it being so FINAL that's bothering me.

What About Your Friends? RIP Michael Jackson

Oh my, how time escapes me and once again I've neglected my blog. Really, how long does it take to release some thoughts? And it can be so incredibly healthy for your mental!!! Dealing with turning 30, friends, lovers, career moves, & lastly Michael Jackson passing away...my mental needs some relief honey!

Ok, so this is the first blog post created since I've been 30. Went to Las Vegas, had a drunken blast, back home and really I swear enlightenment came. I can't say the light bulb just came on, but I realize now, I don't have time to waste on things and people that aren't in line with where I'm at or more importantly, where I'm going.

Friends...what an interesting concept. Truly, everyone you hang out with, have deep discussions, shop, share secrets with, and all of that bullshit, STILL doesn't a friend make. Some people really don't have your best interest at heart. You know this, you aren't blind to this but a couple people disguised themselves so good, I was hoodwinked.

Well honey, I've officially decided to get my GROWN woman on and deal with people as needed.

I'm fed up listening to your stories about people, friends, and situations I really couldn't give a rat's ass about, only to find when I need to share and get shit off my chest, you seem disinterested, don't inquire, cut me off, change the subject. You go out with other "friends", only to tell me about it after the fact and say, oh if I'd known you were free, I would have invited you. Well how many times do you feel that excuse is relevant? I could go on with a couple of bullshit ass moves this person has pulled that clearly doesn't read as being a friend, but I'll spare y'all. TRUST, it goes on.

At any rate, I'm tired of dealing with people I'm not sure if you're 100% here for my friendship or if you just want someone to listen to your bullshit ass whiny problems, or someone you want to bring down because you're so fuckin jealous of what you think I have in my bank account or what's going on over here, no bragging, stating!

I wash my hands of all you motherfuckers, present and future. I don't have time to be wasting on you anymore!!! You are officially dismissed and I'm not the least be fazed about it!

RIP KING OF POP - I love you and am more than grateful to have experienced your music as you released it. We are thankful we can forever cherish it and our fond memories of your performances!

ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa, ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa!